Perverts Anonymous
by Rizember
Summary: The perverts of Konoha, ie everyone, are forced to get professional help or die trying. Humour, stuff, unnecessary explosions... Possible continuation. COMPLETE...for now


**Perverts Anonymous**  
by Rizember

**Summary:** The perverts of Konoha, ie everyone, are forced to get professional help or die trying. Humour, stuff, unnecessary explosions...more humour...

-

**Disclaimer:** I disclaim

-

I tried to sneak into my office.

Really, I did.

But at both entrances AND the secret entrance on the roof which happens to be labelled "Secret Roof Entrance" (cause I'm organized), I found ANBU

ninjas.

Honestly, you'd think Tsunade didn't trust me or something.

How DARE she assume I'd try sneak into my office!

I huffed as two ANBU politely escorted me back into the building.

In the reception, I spotted them.

A whole mob of guys, chattering away about sports and boobs.

There is definitely no proof that man evolved at all.

I walked toward my doom and pasted a smile on my face.

"Good morning, follow me."  
I went into my huge office and sat in my swivel chair, wanting to spin around till I got dizzy and puked. Maybe then I could tell Tsunade I was

suffering from something contagious, like pregnancy.

All hopes of escape were crushed as the men sat down and I took out a notebook and pen with a defeated sigh.

"Goodmorning gentlemen. Shall we get started? Good. Please introduce yourselves."

An attractive dark haired boy stood, "I'm Uchiha Sasuke and I'm a pervert."

"Hi Sasuke!" the others answered.

This was highly unnecessary but I let it slide as they continued-

"Yo. Hatake Kakashi."

"Hi Kakashi!"

-Hell, I get paid by the hour.

When they were done, I sighed again, noticing there was one boy who hadn't spoken.

A blond with bright blue eyes.

I supressed my urge to grab his cheeks and coo at him.

He was so cute!

"Young man. What's your name?"

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto. I'm here as support for the bastard to my left."

Ah. Sasuke.

"Why?"

"Cause he needs help."

I nodded, noticing Sasuke was checking Naruto out.

_'JOIN SASUKE/NARUTO FANCLUB. IF NO FANCLUB, MAKE ONE.'_

I wrote this down and nodded.

I love being a psychiatrist.

I could zone out, nod and mumble a few words and _still_ get paid.

"And Sasuke...do _you_ think you need help?"

"No. I think perving is perfectly natural."

"Of course."

Silent pause while I start doodling again.

"Dr Riz?"

"Yes?"

"I'm not sure why I'm here."

I looked at the boy who'd spoken. He was in dark round shades and a trench coat hiding half his face.

I wonder if he's obsessed with the Beatles.

"Well, why did Tsunade send you here?"

"Well, she says I creep people out."

No duh.

"Because of the insects?"

"Among other things," Jiraiya whispered.

I stared at the white-haired man.

"And you're here because..."

"Peeping and writing erotica."

He stood and took a bow as the others cheered.

It was at that moment that I spotted a cockroach on my carpet moving back and forth, as if angling itself to get a clear view...

...up my skirt.

I glared at Shino and the roach left before I could go terminator on its ass.

Kakashi sniffed.

He was the one with silver hair and a rag over his face.

I think it's a ninja thing.

Crazy, psycho pervs.

I wanted to kick them all out but I smiled and said, "Why don't you all tell me why you're here?"

Kakashi sighed, "People think I'm a pervert because I read Jiraiya's books and frequently molest Iruka."

"Iruka?"  
His eyes lit up, "My darling Iruka! Love of my life! Sunshine to my everlasting rain, My endless-"

"Kakashi."

"Sorry."

"Any specific reason you were sent here?"

"Well, some jealous student caught us making love in a classroom and worried that I was hurting his teacher...just cause Iruka was saying 'no'."

"If he said no, and you continued," I pointed out. "that's called rape."

Kakashi's one eye curved up and he said, "Not with the way he said it. He was like 'oh nooooooo...' The student was obviously not paying attention."

"The student?"

"Yeah... Bloody first grader."

I nodded, "Nice."

Somewhere, a child was traumatized for life.

"Alright-"

Just then, the door spring open and thunder sounded and lightning flashed and-

"WILL YOU STOP WITH THE DAMN SPECIAL EFFECTS?!"

The group of people at the door with sound and light equipment left and some pale guy was left standing there.

His sneaky eyes glared at me and he bellowed, "I don't belong here!"

I smiled, "Of course not Mr Orochimaru. You're not a resident of Konoha."

As he turned to leave, he was picked up by his apprentice and thrown back in, landing over my neat stack of pencils.

Darn.

"Kabuto!" he screeched.

"Get the help you need or don't come back at all!"

With that, the door was slammed shut and Orochimaru pouted.

"Sit down Orochimaru," I ordered.

He grabbed a seat and sat by Jiraiya.

"So....why are _you_ here Orochimaru?"

He snorted, "Just cause I like possessing little boys so I can take over their luscious masculine, young bodies, DOES NOT MEAN I'm a pervert!"

We all stared at him.

"Yeah... it kinda does," Naruto said.

I smiled.

Sadly for him, Orochimaru was now eyeing him and Sasuke like they were pieces of candy and he was a sugar-deprived pre-schooler.

Poor boys.

I sighed, "Well, look at the time! Your hour's up."

"It's only been ten minutes."

Damn. They can tell time.

I sat back and stared pointedly at my clock. With all the money I earned, I really needed to come up with something that could speed up that darn

clock.

"Hold on..."

I walked to the door and checked that the ANBU were gone.

All clear.

I turned back.

"Well gentlemen, you're almost cured! I'll prescribe some meds and you can leave."

"It's now only been _eleven _ minutes."

"Yeah well, who knows the wonders of time and healing... Leave. Now."

They shuffled out and I smiled and leaned back in my easy chair.

"Hello doctor..."

I fell off my chair.

"H-h-hello...Tsunade... I was just leaving and-"

"Sit."

I sat.

"I'm here to talk about our deal..."

I gulped.

"Yeah..."

She cracked her knuckles.

This is probably going to be a long conversation...

-

**A/N: Yo...**

**press the magical button that gives COOKIES!!!**


End file.
